September 25th, 2018
I’ve seriously back burnered the nicotine issue. I admit this. Part of me feels like I just accomplished going AF and I shouldn’t rock the boat. I don’t know exactly what I think is going to happen. I have visions of ripping off the nicotine patch, smoking 10 cigarettes at once and double fisting beers. Just a bit dramatic. See the entry on how the silly fears literally NEVER come to fruition.
With that being said, there is a part of me that is a little afraid that I won’t be successful with quitting smoking on the first run. Many, many people aren’t, and that I will be so disappointed and upset with myself that I will go into some horrid downward spiral. I don’t take any sort of failure, even a perceived failure, very well in case you couldn’t tell.
Then I think, is that just an excuse? I’ve been smoking cigarettes since I was 16 or 17 and quite honestly, there is a huge part of me that really has no desire to quit. Although lately it is certainly more of an inconvenience. I haven’t smoked indoors for years, so the winters are rough. I have an enclosed porch but that doesn’t help with the bitter cold. For this reason, I smoke in the car a lot. Which is embarrassing. It’s smelly for starters and I don’t like to have passengers for that reason, it’s not pleasant. The car isn’t fully wrapped but there are many decals which make it very identifiable. It’s great for the business but I am always afraid that kids, and parents alike, are going to make the connection and see the chain smoking driver. It also makes me a litter bug. Gone are the days where ashtrays are included with your ride, or lighters for that matter. Speaking of lighters, I actually carry at least 2 lighters on me. I’m always afraid I’m going to be driving along without a store in sight when my lighter dies and restaurants and bars no longer give out matches. So I plan for it. There is a lot of planning that goes into this and I try to remember all of mental energy that drinking took up and thinking this really is no different. Smoking is also an addiction and I do think that having the experience of kicking one addiction is giving me more confidence to take a cold, hard look at the other. I do rationalize though because I am physically addicted to nicotine whereas with the alcohol it was thankfully more of a mental dependency. Somehow, when I quit drinking I didn’t suffer from withdraw symptoms, for which I am extremely grateful. So this is the internal dialogue and it gets me tired, in turn, I back burner the issue.
There is another thing about this issue though. The baby thing. Thoughts of motherhood have never come naturally for me. I’ve also just assumed that I would have a child, or children, someday. Well, someday is here. I’m not getting any younger, (as my mother likes to remind me daily) and if I don’t have any issues getting pregnant now, within a very short amount of time, I surely will. L and I have always had a sort of time frame that we would like for me to get pregnant in. We’re both Virgos and we seem to have a good track record with other Virgos so if I could get pregnant around December, that would be great. We both realize that nature may have other plans but the goal is to start trying near December, which is only a few short months away. Long story short, for so many reasons, if not only the last, I really need to stop procrastination and stop smoking.
I’ve got to quit the nic. (nicotine) Period.
150 Days 