It’s a few days before Mother’s Day and I’m feeling sad for everyone out there who struggles with the day. It really is unavoidable. My own mother is alive and well thank goodness. I won’t see her on Mother’s Day but I will talk to her and I’ve sent a card. Shockingly enough, it should even be on time this year.
This morning I got news that a very close friend is loosing her mother rapidly. It’s terrible enough but especially this close to Mother’s Day. I’ve been thinking of her all day.
I also think of my Mother in Law who I miss. And I really do. My mother in law was a real “mommy” type. My mother is a bit more of a “tough love” kind of lady, which worked just fine for me but it was definitely a different experience. My mother in law would send care packages and plan elaborate dinners for our visits. I think she actually tucked my husband and I in at some point. Yes, it was a little (ok, A LOT) strange but that’s just how she was. One of my regrets is that my mother in law didn’t live longer to see me give up drinking. It hurts to think that she never had the opportunity to become a grandmother.
I think of my best friend who I lost eleven years ago this year and how her daughter must feel on Mother’s Day. She was 6, turning 7, when her mother passed away. She is now 18 and asks so many questions about her mother. Every year the questions get a little harder to answer but I do the best I can knowing that she searches so deeply to try to truly know her mom and learn more about who she was.
Lately I’ve been thinking more about time in general. I’ve been trying to call my mother more often and want to make plans. For awhile now I seem to be hyper aware that she won’t be here forever. My husband lost both his parents a few months apart in 2016/17 and the loss has been difficult for me, I can only imagine how he feels. It has also changed my perspective. My mother can also be incredibly frustrating and tests my patience like no one else can. But I suppose that is often times the case with mothers and daughters. I’m doing my best to balance the scales.
As I embark on my own journey of trying to become a mother, it has magnified the significance of the day and what motherhood means. Planning for a family played a big role in my decision to stop drinking and also served as motivation. It still does.
I don’t know what is going to happen, or when, but for now I’ll keep calling my Mom regularly and try to have patience with myself, and my mother. Thinking about all the Moms today. Past, present and moms to be.
150 Days 