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Day 159 – Change, Barbara Streisand and anxiety

September 22nd, 2018

This week I purchased a mini course through Udemy to quit smoking. It was very inexpensive and I figured a course helped me to stop drinking so why not. I’m VERY nervous about this. Truth be told, and I HATE to admit this, I don’t really want to quit. I also don’t want to die an early death or cause harm to my loved ones but I really don’t want to quit. I’m trying to shift my thinking though. Changing habits is so difficult but I’m finding that the anticipation of changing is actually worse than the change itself. Every time I would even think about quitting drinking or just taking a break from alcohol, I would sit there and think of every possible instance where I would feel horrible or be missing out. I  convinced myself that if I stopped drinking I would experience the worst panic attack of my life and not have a crutch for it. Long story short, every time I even contemplated the change I would be panic stricken. Fast forward, and none, read that again, NONE, of my fears have come true. If anything, since I have stopped drinking my anxiety is way more controlled than it has been for years and completely naturally. I am now doing the exact same thing about the cigarettes. Imagining how horrible car rides will be, how much weight I’ll gain back (the fear is strong on that one), how I’ll never get a break because that’s literally the only thing I take time for in the day, which is true, and also very unhealthy, the list goes on and on. I’m picturing myself staring out the window, wistfully, dramatically, with The Way We Were playing in the background… Yes, it’s quite ridiculous. (And if you’ve never heard The Way We Were by Barbara Streisand you are now required to look it up for the full benefit of this imagery. You’re welcome.) Equally ridiculous is running a 5K, making my personal best time and seriously craving a cigarette. And of course, the more I think about quitting, the more anxious I get and the more cigarettes I smoke. Sigh. I was really hoping to make it to my goal weight before I quit smoking cigarettes but I’m looking at about another 20lbs still and I would like to quit before December. I’m just giving myself serious anxiety now. I’m going to check out the course and stop this nonsense. And go smoke a cigarette.

nothingwilleverbeattempted

 

 

Day 158 – Podcasts and happy places

September 21st, 2018

I’ve been trying to find a good podcast. One of the (many) perks about sobriety is that you get to really know yourself again. There was a time, no matter how long ago, that drinking, and thoughts about drinking, didn’t take up significant space in your brain. I am only now realizing that I don’t really know what I like to do. Like, for fun. I don’t really have time for a full on hobby or anything like that and since time is limited I have to choose things that are interuptable and that I can enjoy when I have a minute here or there. It’s actually taken a bit to get this far, as silly as that seems. Here are a few things that I have discovered and since I am talking about things I like, I’m going to put this in list form, because I LOVE me a good list.

  1. I really enjoy being productive
  2. I love to read
  3. I really enjoy writing
  4. I like to have my headphones in listening to NPR or music and now, podcasts!
  5. I love to learn and take in new information
  6. I like to think and brainstorm
  7. I like, no, NEED alone time
  8. There is absolutely nothing like a hot bath but a long, hot shower will do and this may count as a separate thing but, oh my word, you can’t have enough candles!
  9. Magazines. Yes, there’s Pintrest but nothing gets my 12 year old self as excited as a new, glossy, magazine. I’m shrieking inside just thinking about it! Eeee!
  10. I love being inspired and finding inspiration

Yes, you read that right. The first thing on my “fun” list is that I enjoy being productive. I’ve stopped fighting it. I can head into workaholic territory very easily. One of the things that I thought I enjoyed about drinking is that I thought it relaxed me. I have a very hard time relaxing or just doing things for fun really and I’m seriously working on that. Not to say that I’m overly serious and don’t enjoy a good time. On the contrary, I can be a bit too silly sometimes and then people don’t get my humor and its weird. But I digress. When I feel that I am not accomplishing something, I can get a little cranky. To be more specific, I get frustrated. I think in the past I’ve confused that feeling of frustration as a craving. Emotions can be tricky to pin down. We also don’t all like the same things. I know, earth shattering! For me, that concept actually is. I spent my down time and days off, “relaxing” with alcohol, loosing coordination and my functionality dwindling as fast as the hours went by, for a long time. When I look at my list now, even if I had just been sitting on the couch watching tv, stone cold sober, it still would’ve been a terrible fit. Rather than doing what I think I should be doing, I’m doing more of what makes me happy. I took a moment to define what it is that I truly enjoy and now I am making sure that there is more of that in my life. When I took the online course to help stop drinking, (have I mentioned that yet?), one of the things that is mentioned in an exercise is to think back to what you liked to do when you were little. I didn’t think much about it at the time but after looking at my list, it’s still pretty much all of the same things. So simple, but thinking about what puts me in my happy place has been, well, fun and kind of relaxing.domoreofwhatmakesyouhappy

Day 157 -Bad Day

September 20th, 2018

At the end of the day, no matter how bad the day feels, I am always grateful that I am on this journey of sobriety. It is so wonderful to feel clear headed. With that being said, there is nothing I’d like better right now than an ice cold beer. Oh, who am I kidding? A freaking case would work nicely.

But I won’t. I won’t because I know that it’s not going to actually make anything any better, that I would be terribly disappointed in myself and, if nothing else, I just can’t go back to hangovers. So the pity party will have to continue sans alcohol.

I don’t know why I’m feeling this way exactly but I guess that happens sometimes. Lots of little things adding up. So it’s a nice hot shower, carb free aromatherapy and early to bed for me.

Writing the title makes me think of the Lisa Loeb song, Bad Day. Does anyone remember that song? I’m pretty sure that’s the name of the song but I am terrible about song names so please correct me if I’m wrong.

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Day 156 – Happy Birthday!

September 19th, 2018

Happy Birthday to me! Tonight it’s tortellini alfredo and warm rolls for me. I’m a little sad and feeling a bit nostalgic as the birthday tradition of L and I spending the day together is on hold due to my self-employment. It’s ok and we have plans for later. For 6 years, on my birthday, which is also National Talk like a Pirate Day and yes, that is a real thing, we did the same exact thing. And it was great. We would start the day on Sullivan Street Cafe for brunch in Manhattan, where you could get brunch any day of the week. That also meant day drinking, which I looked forward to any time it was deemed even somewhat acceptable. It is also my first sober birthday in a long time. I’ll have my AF beer, commit carbocide by eating all things carby and go to bed knowing I will not feel awful in the morning.

Of course, being a woman, I’m heading into dangerous territory. Otherwise known as the last-call-for-baby-making territory, as my mother is fond of reminding me almost daily. I will admit, that was definitely a motivating factor for giving up drinking. I still have to quit smoking cigarettes which I am extremely anxious about and in turn, makes me want to smoke more cigarettes. I’m also anxious about becoming a mother. Especially with the store and not knowing if or when we will be successful and feeling overwhelmed, the idea of throwing a baby into the mix is somewhat terrifying. With that being said, my body will not care whether or not I was able to hire more staff or if the bank account came out flush that month. If I don’t make the choice to try, I may lose the choice.

Day 155 – Birthday Eve

September 18th, 2018

Tomorrow is my birthday and it had me in a good mood today. Not sure if there is a tense issue there, but I digress. Even if the celebration isn’t the anticipatory excitement of turning 9 or 10, there’s still something about having a day that’s special for you. A reason to go out to dinner or treat yourself. Honestly, with my diet, any excuse to eat carbs is exciting.

I’ve never been someone who is bothered by age. My best friend passed away from cancer at the age of 27 after a long, hard battle and I think that puts things into perspective. What’s the alternative to turning one year older?

 

 

Day 154 – Mechanic’s waiting room and feeling grateful

September 17th, 2018

Had the day off today which was good. I feel like I’m always running around but it is nice to get out and the weather was beautiful. I did have to replace my rear brakes but man, was I productive! How does this make sense? I LOVE the waiting area in my mechanic’s office. Like, seriously. It is pleasant, quiet, the wifi connection is great and I sat for a whole 2 hours, uninterrupted. It’s amazing!

I used to have a love/hate relationship with my days off. I would really, really anticipate having the day off and be in a really good mood the day before. I tended to get so excited that I would drink more than usual that night and wake up feeling pretty awful. I’d power through the morning and be anxious for the afternoon until I could crack open a beer. The respite would be short lived though because a few hours later I would come to the realization that I wasn’t going to feel so great the next day and become anxious about that. Sometimes I feel as though the energy I spent thinking about drinking was almost as draining as the hangovers. It’s called decision fatigue. And it’s real.

This is one of those (many) moments I have had over the last six months where I really am so grateful that I no longer have all that additional worry. iamgrateful

Day 153

September 16th, 2018

Keeping it real, I fell asleep. On Day 153, I needed sleep.

P.S. Made it 4.2 miles on Sunday morning

P.P.S. The Harvest Festival was a bust. They changed the parking and it dissuaded the usual crowds. Really? I have learned that if you want an event to have a poor turnout you should invite me. I’m for hire! Ah well. Sometimes, you just have to laugh.

Day 152 – Tired, but accomplished

September 15th, 2018

If possible, more tired than day 150 or 151, combined but feeling quite accomplished. Worked from 10am-8pm, went food shopping, up at 6:00am to do laundry. Not in that order. Still prepping for tomorrow at 11:36pm. We are participating in the Harvest Festival tomorrow, an event at a local town park on the same road as my store. I’m really hoping it will be a great opportunity for exposure, lord knows we need it! They have a farmer’s market every week that draws in big crowds.

Hoping to go for my longest run yet, a 10K or 6.2 miles before the festival tomorrow but that is seeming awfully ambitious when I come to think of it. We shall see. I will have to see how late I get to bed.

I can’t tell you how many times over the last few weeks I have thought, “Because I didn’t drink today, I did  ________”.  I would not have the energy to be doing everything that I am doing right now. I would definitely not be running. The thing that has been so striking to me is how much easier things have become. Tasks and things that I used to dread and procrastinate over are really not a big deal at all. I have all these books on procrastination. As it turns out, I didn’t get as much done as I would have liked because I was feeling pretty terrible all the time.

 

De-cluttering Day 151

September 14th, 2018

I’m feeling sooo tired. Still typing on my notes app but sticking to it at Day 151! I own my own business and there just aren’t enough hours in the day. I wish I could say that I am flooded with customers but that has yet to happen. It will be one year in November since we opened and I’m hoping (praying, begging, screaming in silence) that will come soon. No matter how many hours I spend at the store I feel like I just can’t seem to catch up. Today there was a photography session with the marketing company my husband and I hired. They took full shots of the store and I had to remove all the clutter from the desk, any stray boxes or misplaced items. It felt AMAZING! and then Iooked behind the cash wrap area in the back room. Yikes! So instead of ticking other things off my list, I decided  that I had to do something about this. I spend the rest of the day de-cluttering. I was surprised, instead of feeling the weight of all the other tasks I hadn’t gotten to, I felt relieved. Moral the story: de-clutter. I suppose sometimes we have to shuffle through the papers and get through the messy. (I know there is an eloquent metaphor in there somewhere..)

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