Day 157 -Bad Day

September 20th, 2018

At the end of the day, no matter how bad the day feels, I am always grateful that I am on this journey of sobriety. It is so wonderful to feel clear headed. With that being said, there is nothing I’d like better right now than an ice cold beer. Oh, who am I kidding? A freaking case would work nicely.

But I won’t. I won’t because I know that it’s not going to actually make anything any better, that I would be terribly disappointed in myself and, if nothing else, I just can’t go back to hangovers. So the pity party will have to continue sans alcohol.

I don’t know why I’m feeling this way exactly but I guess that happens sometimes. Lots of little things adding up. So it’s a nice hot shower, carb free aromatherapy and early to bed for me.

Writing the title makes me think of the Lisa Loeb song, Bad Day. Does anyone remember that song? I’m pretty sure that’s the name of the song but I am terrible about song names so please correct me if I’m wrong.

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Day 156 – Happy Birthday!

September 19th, 2018

Happy Birthday to me! Tonight it’s tortellini alfredo and warm rolls for me. I’m a little sad and feeling a bit nostalgic as the birthday tradition of L and I spending the day together is on hold due to my self-employment. It’s ok and we have plans for later. For 6 years, on my birthday, which is also National Talk like a Pirate Day and yes, that is a real thing, we did the same exact thing. And it was great. We would start the day on Sullivan Street Cafe for brunch in Manhattan, where you could get brunch any day of the week. That also meant day drinking, which I looked forward to any time it was deemed even somewhat acceptable. It is also my first sober birthday in a long time. I’ll have my AF beer, commit carbocide by eating all things carby and go to bed knowing I will not feel awful in the morning.

Of course, being a woman, I’m heading into dangerous territory. Otherwise known as the last-call-for-baby-making territory, as my mother is fond of reminding me almost daily. I will admit, that was definitely a motivating factor for giving up drinking. I still have to quit smoking cigarettes which I am extremely anxious about and in turn, makes me want to smoke more cigarettes. I’m also anxious about becoming a mother. Especially with the store and not knowing if or when we will be successful and feeling overwhelmed, the idea of throwing a baby into the mix is somewhat terrifying. With that being said, my body will not care whether or not I was able to hire more staff or if the bank account came out flush that month. If I don’t make the choice to try, I may lose the choice.

De-cluttering Day 151

September 14th, 2018

I’m feeling sooo tired. Still typing on my notes app but sticking to it at Day 151! I own my own business and there just aren’t enough hours in the day. I wish I could say that I am flooded with customers but that has yet to happen. It will be one year in November since we opened and I’m hoping (praying, begging, screaming in silence) that will come soon. No matter how many hours I spend at the store I feel like I just can’t seem to catch up. Today there was a photography session with the marketing company my husband and I hired. They took full shots of the store and I had to remove all the clutter from the desk, any stray boxes or misplaced items. It felt AMAZING! and then Iooked behind the cash wrap area in the back room. Yikes! So instead of ticking other things off my list, I decided that I had to do something about this. I spend the rest of the day de-cluttering. I was surprised, instead of feeling the weight of all the other tasks I hadn’t gotten to, I felt relieved. Moral the story: de-clutter. I suppose sometimes we have to shuffle through the papers and get through the messy. (I know there is an eloquent metaphor in there somewhere..)

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Day 150

I told myself that I would start writing about my experiences once I hit 150 days AF (alcohol free). Of course I forgot my computer at work and my phone is at 20% but here I am typing in my notes. Come to think of it, I actually forgot until a few moments ago to check to see if this was Day 150. And that, my friends, is a blessing all on its own. The gratitude I feel in this moment, to not be counting the minutes, hours or days, is a freedom I have not known in close to 15 years, although not always in obvious ways, even to me. I’m very much looking forward to sharing this journey but it’s been a long day and I’m due for some much needed TV time. I can’t say this is a stellar first entry but I said I was going to start writing on Day 150. And so I did. Sobriety has a funny way of making things like that happen.