Tag: Sobriety in a pandemic

Day 764 – Anxiety, Sunshine, a Pandemic and a Baby

Wow, it’s been a long time. On my last day before becoming a parent, I promised myself that I would take some time to write. I’ve been thinking about this entry for quite awhile now. As the title implies, I’m a bundle of nerves and I don’t even know where to start. All I know is that my life is infinitely better without alcohol in it. I say this to myself, every single day. And no, I don’t say it anymore because it’s something I’m trying to talk myself into believing. I say it every day because it’s true and I can not believe how much my life has changed.

On April 16th, I celebrated my second Soberversary. Well, actually I forgot to celebrate at that moment but I made it up to myself with lots (and lots) of treats (carbs and ice cream). The fact that I actually forgot was also a reminder that the days we count in the early days do add up as we develop new habits. This year has certainly not gone as planned but I truly have so much to be thankful for. I don’t recommend having a baby in the middle of a pandemic but if you do, be sure to keep your sense of humor intact.

In the beginning of the year, my business was FINALLY starting to take off. That’s actually the reason why I wasn’t writing as much as I would’ve liked. I had different problems to contend with and time was scarce. Hiring and training staff and trying to keep my head above water at 6 and 7 months pregnant was definitely challenging. But I was fortunate to be able to keep moving and plug away at the process. Just when it seemed like a plan was starting to take shape for me to have the baby and be able to have the studio open, well, Covid-19. But right before that, for the first time since opening, I was able to make payroll for an (almost) full time employee and several other part timers. Yes, Coronavirus shut it all down. Unable to have employees, my pregnant self started selling Painting To Go Kits online and delivering them during this unprecedented time. I’m glad that I was able to continue to do it for as long as I was. I probably should’ve cut down the areas that I was traveling to just a bit but honestly, it was also kind of fun. I was due last Friday and I stopped doing the kits about 2 weeks ago which means there is also no revenue. So, while I don’t have to worry about the day to day, I am not looking forward to June 1st and the bills that come with it. Hopefully that will change.

But tomorrow I begin a different kind of journey. I would be lying if I said I was just too excited to be scared and that I’ve been waiting for this moment all of my life. At the moment I’m feeling pretty cowardly. I’m terrified of actually giving birth. Like, legitimately phobic. I guess it will go how it will go. I would also be lying if I said that I’m not just a little terrified to be responsible for another life. As I write this, I feel like a really, really bad person. Ok, a bad mother to be more specific. And the baby isn’t even here yet! But I also want to recognize the fear and self doubt that I’m already having in case it can help someone else down the line. That’s one of the things I have found to be so comforting during my sober journey, in business and now motherhood, realizing that I am not alone. If you’ve thought it, or feel it, someone else has thought it and felt it too. So, I’ll leave that right there in case someone else needs to see it at some point and comes across it.

To circle back to the original point, I am so thankful that I am sober. I do think about having the occasional drink from time to time (well not since I’ve been pregnant) but during the pandemic all I can think, almost every day, has been, where would I be if I was still drinking? What kind of shape would I be in? Without any place to drive to, or be, with fear and anxiety and uncertainty looming over everything, I do fear that my dependence on alcohol would have become too much to hide from in a more serious way. How would those weekly shopping trips go? Wait, weekly? Yeah, right. I would be putting myself at risk by simply getting my supply. When I quit over two years ago I was starting to visit multiple stores almost daily. I also don’t think that I would’ve been able to pivot the business model as successfully as I did or nearly as quickly. It is amazing what you can accomplish when you aren’t perpetually hungover. It’s the little things, as well as the big things that make me so very grateful.

I don’t know how everything is going to play out but right now the sun is shining, today is my husband’s last day of work for 7 weeks, I have a few new ideas for the studio and once I get through childbirth (fingers crossed) we can meet the little person that we’ve created and all of those things are pretty amazing right about now.

 

A Changed World-Day 733

Well, it’s certainly been awhile. Sitting here on April 19th my world has changed in so very many ways. I am now 9 months pregnant. My little baby bump has taken over and I’m in a full swing waddle. I really can’t complain though as I’m still getting along very well and still able to work. We still don’t know the gender, go team green! I am really curious but it won’t be long now. So many people have said to me that they instinctively knew the baby’s gender when they were pregnant, or had dreams. I can honestly say that I have absolutely no idea. You could tell me either way and I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised. I’ve been very fortunate (knock, knock, knock on wood) that I haven’t had any trouble or complications. Especially now.

It’s hard to believe that a few short weeks ago, back in February, my husband and I traveled a few hours to see friends for a much needed weekend away. We met with three different groups of friends, hit up ALL the restaurants and stayed in a small but very reasonably priced hotel. I am so grateful that we took that trip.

As my belly has grown so have my fears. I’m less than a month away from my due date and I am so excited to meet little one. I just wish it didn’t have to be in the middle of a pandemic. But we don’t choose these things and I am still so grateful to be getting good care and that I am feeling well. It certainly is a changed world. It hurts to think of what kind of world I am bringing a child into.

I don’t know many things but I do know that I am not drinking and that I am present. Yes, now I am pregnant but soon I won’t be and I’m strengthening my resolve to remain sober and present. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about going through the pandemic while drinking. I can see it sometimes and how it would go so clearly. The beginning would be ok. I’d secretly be super excited to be spending more time at home so that I could drink more. With all the stress of the pandemic I’d need to drink for sure. But it wouldn’t be a glass of wine or two at night before bed. It would begin earlier and earlier and I would feel more and more awful. I know that I would have put myself at a higher risk because I would be going to the stores more often. A lot more often.  I feel that making clear decisions about my business would be much more difficult and pivoting to online sales and deliveries would’ve been just that much more challenging with terrible hangovers.

Things are far from perfect but I still truly feel that I made the right decision for me by letting go of drinking. With all the craziness in the world I’ve had a few fleeting thoughts about drinking after the baby is born. I’m not going to let it bother me too much. The thoughts can creep in but that’s all they are. Here’s to the future and hoping things sort themselves out sooner rather than later.