After revisiting my previous post about the big 3-6-5, riding the ups and down of business ownership and having more than a few slip ups with my smoking (still going strong on sobriety) I have decided that I really, really, really, really need a self care plan. Preferably one that doesn’t involve calories.
And this blog is part of it! I’ve also been trying to take time to read other blogs. I just started reading Mrs. D is Going Without and I’m loving it. I have to laugh sometimes at how well a stranger is putting my thoughts into their own words. She talks a lot about the emotional ups and downs she started facing once she stopped drinking. I really related to that.
Having the business has been the BIGGEST rollercoaster of my life, there are incredible highs and lows. One day I’m on TV after being contacted, totally randomly, by a producer on facebook and the business is being featured by the local news. (Not exactly going to fetch any Emmy’s but encouraging nonetheless) The next week I can’t make rent and I fight back tears and cringe as I take, yet more money, out of personal savings. I work 70+ hours a week and I have yet to take a paycheck. I like to joke that if I treated an employee the way I treat myself I would be in jail. Sad but true.
I am also incredibly grateful for the opportunity to start my own business. I recognize how fortunate I am that my husband is able to work at a job that we can get by without a second income for now. I also knew going into this that it’s not a lifestyle for the weak or faint of heart and that I’m playing a long term game. I’m still learning A LOT and there is a huge learning curve that I was not prepared for. While I choose this path instead of a secure job and recognize how fortunate I am for the opportunity, it doesn’t mean that I don’t feel every bit of the highs and lows. Actually, when I look back at some of my daily notes all together, it reads like a bipolar schizophrenic on a bad trip. Seriously. Look what you have to look forward to reading! And because I am not going home every night to numb out with alcohol, it’s pretty damn intense. Don’t get me wrong, I’m also not waking up every morning wondering how the hell I’m going to get through the day. A little fun fact – my anxiety is also under much better control since I stopped drinking. That one surprised me. A huge part of the reason I drank so much is because of my underlying anxiety. I was terrified to stop drinking because I thought that my anxiety would be completely out of control but it’s actually gotten a lot better. It’s still there but the hangovers made it so much worse.
So, in an effort to bring some desperately needed balance to my life, I am going to takeaway some lessons that I learned from my cigarette slip up(s) and create a real self care plan. (I feel so cheesy writing that but it’s a must) Creating a “sober tool kit” was actually a part of the online course I took to stop drinking but I failed to finish that part. Go figure – insert eyeroll here.
Cigarette Slip Up(s) Takeaways:
These can very easily be applied to alcohol so I think it’s worth noting here.
- Moderation does not work for me. Nope. No sir. It’s not happening. It has also stopped me from any thoughts creeping in about moderating alcohol. Some people are moderating wonders. Clearly that is not me. I went from sneaking one or two cigarettes in the morning to almost back up to a full pack – in four days. I also have a crouton problem but that is for another day.
- Decision fatigue is real. Decision fatigue is the constant internal chatter on whether or not you should do something. Should I procure fill-in-the-blank? Where should I get fill-in-the-blank? How am I going to pay for fill-in-the-blank? Maybe I shouldn’t. But I want to. But I don’t. It’s truly maddening. And exhausting. And stressful. While much easier said than done, in the long run, it is so much easier to just make a decision to say no and stick to it as best you can.
- A bad day is just 24 hours. I found that saying a few blog posts back and I just keep going back to it. You may not feel great in 24 hours but you will feel differently on some level. (Even if it’s just feeling crappy about something else, it’s different. How’s that for motivation?!)
- It feels good to achieve a goal. Although I am feeling the cheesiness creeping back in, you will ultimately be much happier with yourself (in the long run) if you stick to quitting something that is unhealthy for you. And you definitely feel better physically.
- All I need is fill-in-the-blank. There is nothing further from the truth that “just one” of something, anything, especially if it’s bad for you, will make you feel better. One of my biggest disappointments over the last few weeks was that every cigarette I smoked just made me feel crappy. Emotionally and physically. At the end of the day, the thing that I thought I wanted most in the world, that I was so sure was going to make me feel better, was making me cranky and sick. I actually feel very sad about that. I realized that the only reason cigarettes had made me feel better in the first place was because I had a physical addiction. Once the physical addiction was gone, it really did nothing for me other than give me a headache and make me naseaus. That didn’t stop me from trying but it was a sad realization to make.
I don’t pretend to be an expert in anything but those are my takeaways.
Now to work on that care plan…
150 Days 