Day 764 – Anxiety, Sunshine, a Pandemic and a Baby

Wow, it’s been a long time. On my last day before becoming a parent, I promised myself that I would take some time to write. I’ve been thinking about this entry for quite awhile now. As the title implies, I’m a bundle of nerves and I don’t even know where to start. All I know is that my life is infinitely better without alcohol in it. I say this to myself, every single day. And no, I don’t say it anymore because it’s something I’m trying to talk myself into believing. I say it every day because it’s true and I can not believe how much my life has changed.

On April 16th, I celebrated my second Soberversary. Well, actually I forgot to celebrate at that moment but I made it up to myself with lots (and lots) of treats (carbs and ice cream). The fact that I actually forgot was also a reminder that the days we count in the early days do add up as we develop new habits. This year has certainly not gone as planned but I truly have so much to be thankful for. I don’t recommend having a baby in the middle of a pandemic but if you do, be sure to keep your sense of humor intact.

In the beginning of the year, my business was FINALLY starting to take off. That’s actually the reason why I wasn’t writing as much as I would’ve liked. I had different problems to contend with and time was scarce. Hiring and training staff and trying to keep my head above water at 6 and 7 months pregnant was definitely challenging. But I was fortunate to be able to keep moving and plug away at the process. Just when it seemed like a plan was starting to take shape for me to have the baby and be able to have the studio open, well, Covid-19. But right before that, for the first time since opening, I was able to make payroll for an (almost) full time employee and several other part timers. Yes, Coronavirus shut it all down. Unable to have employees, my pregnant self started selling Painting To Go Kits online and delivering them during this unprecedented time. I’m glad that I was able to continue to do it for as long as I was. I probably should’ve cut down the areas that I was traveling to just a bit but honestly, it was also kind of fun. I was due last Friday and I stopped doing the kits about 2 weeks ago which means there is also no revenue. So, while I don’t have to worry about the day to day, I am not looking forward to June 1st and the bills that come with it. Hopefully that will change.

But tomorrow I begin a different kind of journey. I would be lying if I said I was just too excited to be scared and that I’ve been waiting for this moment all of my life. At the moment I’m feeling pretty cowardly. I’m terrified of actually giving birth. Like, legitimately phobic. I guess it will go how it will go. I would also be lying if I said that I’m not just a little terrified to be responsible for another life. As I write this, I feel like a really, really bad person. Ok, a bad mother to be more specific. And the baby isn’t even here yet! But I also want to recognize the fear and self doubt that I’m already having in case it can help someone else down the line. That’s one of the things I have found to be so comforting during my sober journey, in business and now motherhood, realizing that I am not alone. If you’ve thought it, or feel it, someone else has thought it and felt it too. So, I’ll leave that right there in case someone else needs to see it at some point and comes across it.

To circle back to the original point, I am so thankful that I am sober. I do think about having the occasional drink from time to time (well not since I’ve been pregnant) but during the pandemic all I can think, almost every day, has been, where would I be if I was still drinking? What kind of shape would I be in? Without any place to drive to, or be, with fear and anxiety and uncertainty looming over everything, I do fear that my dependence on alcohol would have become too much to hide from in a more serious way. How would those weekly shopping trips go? Wait, weekly? Yeah, right. I would be putting myself at risk by simply getting my supply. When I quit over two years ago I was starting to visit multiple stores almost daily. I also don’t think that I would’ve been able to pivot the business model as successfully as I did or nearly as quickly. It is amazing what you can accomplish when you aren’t perpetually hungover. It’s the little things, as well as the big things that make me so very grateful.

I don’t know how everything is going to play out but right now the sun is shining, today is my husband’s last day of work for 7 weeks, I have a few new ideas for the studio and once I get through childbirth (fingers crossed) we can meet the little person that we’ve created and all of those things are pretty amazing right about now.

Day 623 Reading and Writing and Showers, Oh My

Self care. It’s a topic I feel like I come to frequently but that’s probably because it’s something that I really struggle with. Up until a year and a half ago, I did not practice, or know the meaning of, self care. I thought I did. It’s still not a part of my life the way I would like it to be but alas, if nothing else, I am a work in progress.

Before I began this AF (alcohol free) journey, I thought I was practicing self care and enjoying “me time” by stocking up on beer, wine, filling up the backup gin bottle and doubling up on packs of cigarettes for any length of time off. The story would always unfold in the same way and if I “play the movie forward”, a coping mechanism I have found very helpful, it ALWAYS ends the same. Spoiler alert: usually feeling pretty crappy about myself with an awful hangover to boot. Despite seeing this now, not only did I practice this self destructive form of “self care” for over a decade but I looked forward to it endlessly and clung to it desperately.

So what do you do when the only form of self care you have ever known is slowly killing you? Habits are hard to break but not impossible and I had to find a way to answer this question. Not only my health but my longer term happiness depended on it.

I still don’t feel like I have a proper answer but this last leg of my journey has really forced me to face the question head on. Now that I am pregnant, I can’t sneak the occasional cigarette. Due to a minor complication, running and working have also been out of the picture for the last few months. Anything that smells even remotely pleasant makes me nauseous so my candles and incense oils are very sadly out too. There were a few days there where I really felt like I was loosing it.

As it turns out, some of the things that I really liked to do when I was younger, like way younger, are still some of my favorite things. This was also another excellent tip that I learned from the sober course, to think about the things that you enjoyed doing before alcohol consumption came into your life, even if that goes back to childhood or your teen years.

Here is a list of what I’ve found really helpful lately.

Reading – I was always an avid reader but over the last few years I stopped finding time. (One of the all time reasons I really miss the subway but that’s a different story) At some point recently though I realized that I was scrolling Facebook and Instagram mindlessly for more time than I care to admit. So instead of the mind numbing scrolling, I pull out a book now. It’s so much more relaxing and I’m being inspired with what I’m choosing to read. It’s never for a long time but even those 10 or 15 minutes here and there make a big difference. With many libraries being centrally connected now and download options, it’s also budget friendly.

Writing – I was always a strong writer for school assignments and I really enjoyed it. Give me a paper to write any day. As someone who spent 10 years finishing college, my inner geek still gets excited about fun paper topics. It never occurred to me until more recently though to write for fun. To be honest, I don’t know if I’m any good at it but I’m enjoying it and for now that’s the point. so darn it, it made the list. And again, it’s nice and budget friendly which clearly excites me.

Window Shopping – Window shopping is extremely underrated. When I was younger window shopping meant walking to the avenue and literally, looking in the storefront windows but now that means randomly walking the aisles of Marshalls and Target. And it’s kind of great. One of the things that motivated me very early on in sobriety was thinking of all the money I would save. (Wow, I’m now realizing how cheap, well, let’s say frugal, I am, yikes) I love clothing, jewelry, shoes and fashion in general. Like, seriously love it. As we have now established, I am also pretty darn frugal. Everything I own was either previously on a sale rack or in someone else’s closet. Now don’t get me wrong, I have plenty and then some. Window shopping provides me with the excitement and inspiration of seeing the new styles out and yes, I’m sure I buy things I wouldn’t if I wasn’t roaming the aisles but I can’t say that I have ever walked out of a store spending hundreds of dollars that I didn’t plan to. If that’s not your deal, this may not be for you, but it’s been working for me.

Hot Chocolate – I always try to keep the self care treats calorie free as I have struggled with my weight but this is one indulgence I’ve been letting myself have lately. Almost every day I go to Starbucks and get a venti hot chocolate. And yes, I shudder to think of the calories and know that my post pregnant self will not be have these. I should also be terribly ashamed of myself but I’ve decided that it’s what I really want and especially at this stage of the game, how many indulgences do I really have? The shame comes from being a small business owner and personally knowing the owner of our local coffee shop. Friends don’t let friends drink Starbucks folks. But for some reason that’s what I want lately so you know what, I’m going to not beat myself up for five minutes and have it. I still visit my local coffee shop often and if I am in a position to stay for awhile and meet someone, that is still my absolute first choice. Please. Don’t tell anyone.

Painting my nails – Don’t get me wrong, I would love to get mani/pedis every week and if that’s your thing, you absolutely should but the time gets tight and yes, it also gets a little expensive. About a year ago my mother introduced my to this life changing, yes, life changing product and now at the beginning of most weeks I sit down while my husband and I watch tv and give myself a little mani/pedi. I have little patience for sitting still and every time I would attempt to do my nails they would be ruined before the night was over. Well, OPI sells what I refer to as magic polish. It’s quick dry drops and after you paint your nails, you use a dropper to apply and your nails will set in 60 seconds. I wouldn’t go do the dishes right afterwards but you can move around without messing up your mani. You’re welcome. I’ve also started to choose a color to inspire me for the week which gets me thinking about how I want the week to go, what I want to do, etc. It’s become a nice little practice and you feel good about your digits all week long.

The other thing about self care that I am just learning is that it doesn’t have to be a long and drawn out affair. Now, this may sound more like common sense than a revelation but I’m all or nothing kind of gal and I can discourage myself easily with preconceived notions. In the past I have pictured those with perfect self care routines and envision a large bath drawn with rose petals, candles, chocolates and specialty bubble bath. And while that sounds lovely and may be the absolute perfect thing, lately I’m so tired at night that I’m struggling with bathing in general. Again, don’t tell anyone. The point being, there is nothing wrong with my 10 minute hot shower. Aside from the perks of basic hygiene, it’s a nice ending to the day, I sleep better and a little something that I look forward to. And friends, there is nothing wrong with that.

Day 389 -Thinking about all the Moms today

It’s a few days before Mother’s Day and I’m feeling sad for everyone out there who struggles with the day. It really is unavoidable. My own mother is alive and well thank goodness. I won’t see her on Mother’s Day but I will talk to her and I’ve sent a card. Shockingly enough, it should even be on time this year.

This morning I got news that a very close friend is loosing her mother rapidly. It’s terrible enough but especially this close to Mother’s Day. I’ve been thinking of her all day.

I also think of my Mother in Law who I miss. And I really do. My mother in law was a real “mommy” type. My mother is a bit more of a “tough love” kind of lady, which worked just fine for me but it was definitely a different experience. My mother in law would send care packages and plan elaborate dinners for our visits. I think she actually tucked my husband and I in at some point. Yes, it was a little (ok, A LOT) strange but that’s just how she was. One of my regrets is that my mother in law didn’t live longer to see me give up drinking. It hurts to think that she never had the opportunity to become a grandmother.

I think of my best friend who I lost eleven years ago this year and how her daughter must feel on Mother’s Day. She was 6, turning 7, when her mother passed away. She is now 18 and asks so many questions about her mother. Every year the questions get a little harder to answer but I do the best I can knowing that she searches so deeply to try to truly know her mom and learn more about who she was.

Lately I’ve been thinking more about time in general. I’ve been trying to call my mother more often and want to make plans. For awhile now I seem to be hyper aware that she won’t be here forever. My husband lost both his parents a few months apart in 2016/17 and the loss has been difficult for me, I can only imagine how he feels. It has also changed my perspective. My mother can also be incredibly frustrating and tests my patience like no one else can. But I suppose that is often times the case with mothers and daughters. I’m doing my best to balance the scales.

As I embark on my own journey of trying to become a mother, it has magnified the significance of the day and what motherhood means. Planning for a family played a big role in my decision to stop drinking and also served as motivation. It still does.

I don’t know what is going to happen, or when, but for now I’ll keep calling my Mom regularly and try to have patience with myself, and my mother. Thinking about all the Moms today. Past, present and moms to be.

Day 380 – Apologizes in advance to any floral arrangements I may inadvertenly harm

So, for accountability purposes and to really force myself to sit down and think about this, I am going to tackle my self care plan and think of some (calorie-free!) ways to treat myself. I don’t know why I’ve been procrastinating on the fun stuff, it’s so silly. I guess it feels a bit, ok, a lot, uncomfortable and quite frankly, cheesy. I also don’t imagine that I have the most positive self image so I’m also hoping this will help with that.

I am also REALLY good at negative self talk. It’s like a skill. If you’ve followed along or read yesterday’s entry, I slipped up a number of times over the last few weeks with my commitment to quit smoking cigarettes. I am happily back on track now but after having that experience it’s really made me think a lot about addiction in general.

Last night I was thinking about the list of Takeaways I made. Over the last few weeks one of the things that also struck me was the constant way I would berate myself after a slip up. Okay, no, it’s not good to smoke cigarettes. I’ve of course made lists and counted all the ways and reasons why. But at the end of the day, I smoked a few cigarettes and got back on track. If you went by the incessant chatter playing out in my mind, I single handedly bankrupted us, killed a few small children with second hand smoke (I never smoke around children), became responsible for global warming among other environmental ills and ruined my business in one fell swoop because a customer just HAD to HAVE SEEN ME and they were going to expose me for the horrible human being that I am. So there we go.

The negative self talk doesn’t help anything and negative consequences or feelings clearly have not been a source of motivation for me. If that were the case, I wouldn’t have spent so much time feeling very hungover and very guilty, repeating the awful cycle daily. So, in light of this, I’m going to focus on the fun stuff.

Candles As it turns out I am very responsive to anything aromatic. I have become slightly obsessed with candles and incense oils. I highly recommend it.
Herbal Tea I vow to finally go to the tea shop next week and get some loose tea and figure out how it’s done.
Running I never thought that I would think of exercising as a treat but lately it has been such a luxury to have the time to be able to go for a longer run.
Flowers I have always loved fresh flowers. Coincidentally, while many people have a green thumb, I have a black thumb. I worked with a local farm last week and they left me some very nice plants, I’m going to try to do something nice with them. Apologizes in advance to any floral arrangements I may inadvertently harm.
Magazines Marie Claire, Elle, Cosmo, you name it, there isn’t a magazine I don’t love to look at. I am going to get a subscription and make sure I set aside a little time to read them. In the age of Pintrest and search bars and on demand images, I still can’t get over how much I love to flip through magazines. I blame Seventeen.

I’d say that’s a pretty good start.

I also realized today that there are a few followers out there. Hi all! Thank you so much for following, you’ve made my day!