Day 623 Reading and Writing and Showers, Oh My

Self care. It’s a topic I feel like I come to frequently but that’s probably because it’s something that I really struggle with. Up until a year and a half ago, I did not practice, or know the meaning of, self care. I thought I did. It’s still not a part of my life the way I would like it to be but alas, if nothing else, I am a work in progress.

Before I began this AF (alcohol free) journey, I thought I was practicing self care and enjoying “me time” by stocking up on beer, wine, filling up the backup gin bottle and doubling up on packs of cigarettes for any length of time off. The story would always unfold in the same way and if I “play the movie forward”, a coping mechanism I have found very helpful, it ALWAYS ends the same. Spoiler alert: usually feeling pretty crappy about myself with an awful hangover to boot. Despite seeing this now, not only did I practice this self destructive form of “self care” for over a decade but I looked forward to it endlessly and clung to it desperately.

So what do you do when the only form of self care you have ever known is slowly killing you? Habits are hard to break but not impossible and I had to find a way to answer this question. Not only my health but my longer term happiness depended on it.

I still don’t feel like I have a proper answer but this last leg of my journey has really forced me to face the question head on. Now that I am pregnant, I can’t sneak the occasional cigarette. Due to a minor complication, running and working have also been out of the picture for the last few months. Anything that smells even remotely pleasant makes me nauseous so my candles and incense oils are very sadly out too. There were a few days there where I really felt like I was loosing it.

As it turns out, some of the things that I really liked to do when I was younger, like way younger, are still some of my favorite things. This was also another excellent tip that I learned from the sober course, to think about the things that you enjoyed doing before alcohol consumption came into your life, even if that goes back to childhood or your teen years.

Here is a list of what I’ve found really helpful lately.

Reading – I was always an avid reader but over the last few years I stopped finding time. (One of the all time reasons I really miss the subway but that’s a different story) At some point recently though I realized that I was scrolling Facebook and Instagram mindlessly for more time than I care to admit. So instead of the mind numbing scrolling, I pull out a book now. It’s so much more relaxing and I’m being inspired with what I’m choosing to read. It’s never for a long time but even those 10 or 15 minutes here and there make a big difference. With many libraries being centrally connected now and download options, it’s also budget friendly.

Writing – I was always a strong writer for school assignments and I really enjoyed it. Give me a paper to write any day. As someone who spent 10 years finishing college, my inner geek still gets excited about fun paper topics. It never occurred to me until more recently though to write for fun. To be honest, I don’t know if I’m any good at it but I’m enjoying it and for now that’s the point. so darn it, it made the list. And again, it’s nice and budget friendly which clearly excites me.

Window Shopping – Window shopping is extremely underrated. When I was younger window shopping meant walking to the avenue and literally, looking in the storefront windows but now that means randomly walking the aisles of Marshalls and Target. And it’s kind of great. One of the things that motivated me very early on in sobriety was thinking of all the money I would save. (Wow, I’m now realizing how cheap, well, let’s say frugal, I am, yikes) I love clothing, jewelry, shoes and fashion in general. Like, seriously love it. As we have now established, I am also pretty darn frugal. Everything I own was either previously on a sale rack or in someone else’s closet. Now don’t get me wrong, I have plenty and then some. Window shopping provides me with the excitement and inspiration of seeing the new styles out and yes, I’m sure I buy things I wouldn’t if I wasn’t roaming the aisles but I can’t say that I have ever walked out of a store spending hundreds of dollars that I didn’t plan to. If that’s not your deal, this may not be for you, but it’s been working for me.

Hot Chocolate – I always try to keep the self care treats calorie free as I have struggled with my weight but this is one indulgence I’ve been letting myself have lately. Almost every day I go to Starbucks and get a venti hot chocolate. And yes, I shudder to think of the calories and know that my post pregnant self will not be have these. I should also be terribly ashamed of myself but I’ve decided that it’s what I really want and especially at this stage of the game, how many indulgences do I really have? The shame comes from being a small business owner and personally knowing the owner of our local coffee shop. Friends don’t let friends drink Starbucks folks. But for some reason that’s what I want lately so you know what, I’m going to not beat myself up for five minutes and have it. I still visit my local coffee shop often and if I am in a position to stay for awhile and meet someone, that is still my absolute first choice. Please. Don’t tell anyone.

Painting my nails – Don’t get me wrong, I would love to get mani/pedis every week and if that’s your thing, you absolutely should but the time gets tight and yes, it also gets a little expensive. About a year ago my mother introduced my to this life changing, yes, life changing product and now at the beginning of most weeks I sit down while my husband and I watch tv and give myself a little mani/pedi. I have little patience for sitting still and every time I would attempt to do my nails they would be ruined before the night was over. Well, OPI sells what I refer to as magic polish. It’s quick dry drops and after you paint your nails, you use a dropper to apply and your nails will set in 60 seconds. I wouldn’t go do the dishes right afterwards but you can move around without messing up your mani. You’re welcome. I’ve also started to choose a color to inspire me for the week which gets me thinking about how I want the week to go, what I want to do, etc. It’s become a nice little practice and you feel good about your digits all week long.

The other thing about self care that I am just learning is that it doesn’t have to be a long and drawn out affair. Now, this may sound more like common sense than a revelation but I’m all or nothing kind of gal and I can discourage myself easily with preconceived notions. In the past I have pictured those with perfect self care routines and envision a large bath drawn with rose petals, candles, chocolates and specialty bubble bath. And while that sounds lovely and may be the absolute perfect thing, lately I’m so tired at night that I’m struggling with bathing in general. Again, don’t tell anyone. The point being, there is nothing wrong with my 10 minute hot shower. Aside from the perks of basic hygiene, it’s a nice ending to the day, I sleep better and a little something that I look forward to. And friends, there is nothing wrong with that.

Day 389 -Thinking about all the Moms today

It’s a few days before Mother’s Day and I’m feeling sad for everyone out there who struggles with the day. It really is unavoidable. My own mother is alive and well thank goodness. I won’t see her on Mother’s Day but I will talk to her and I’ve sent a card. Shockingly enough, it should even be on time this year.

This morning I got news that a very close friend is loosing her mother rapidly. It’s terrible enough but especially this close to Mother’s Day. I’ve been thinking of her all day.

I also think of my Mother in Law who I miss. And I really do. My mother in law was a real “mommy” type. My mother is a bit more of a “tough love” kind of lady, which worked just fine for me but it was definitely a different experience. My mother in law would send care packages and plan elaborate dinners for our visits. I think she actually tucked my husband and I in at some point. Yes, it was a little (ok, A LOT) strange but that’s just how she was. One of my regrets is that my mother in law didn’t live longer to see me give up drinking. It hurts to think that she never had the opportunity to become a grandmother.

I think of my best friend who I lost eleven years ago this year and how her daughter must feel on Mother’s Day. She was 6, turning 7, when her mother passed away. She is now 18 and asks so many questions about her mother. Every year the questions get a little harder to answer but I do the best I can knowing that she searches so deeply to try to truly know her mom and learn more about who she was.

Lately I’ve been thinking more about time in general. I’ve been trying to call my mother more often and want to make plans. For awhile now I seem to be hyper aware that she won’t be here forever. My husband lost both his parents a few months apart in 2016/17 and the loss has been difficult for me, I can only imagine how he feels. It has also changed my perspective. My mother can also be incredibly frustrating and tests my patience like no one else can. But I suppose that is often times the case with mothers and daughters. I’m doing my best to balance the scales.

As I embark on my own journey of trying to become a mother, it has magnified the significance of the day and what motherhood means. Planning for a family played a big role in my decision to stop drinking and also served as motivation. It still does.

I don’t know what is going to happen, or when, but for now I’ll keep calling my Mom regularly and try to have patience with myself, and my mother. Thinking about all the Moms today. Past, present and moms to be.

Day 380 – Apologizes in advance to any floral arrangements I may inadvertenly harm

So, for accountability purposes and to really force myself to sit down and think about this, I am going to tackle my self care plan and think of some (calorie-free!) ways to treat myself. I don’t know why I’ve been procrastinating on the fun stuff, it’s so silly. I guess it feels a bit, ok, a lot, uncomfortable and quite frankly, cheesy. I also don’t imagine that I have the most positive self image so I’m also hoping this will help with that.

I am also REALLY good at negative self talk. It’s like a skill. If you’ve followed along or read yesterday’s entry, I slipped up a number of times over the last few weeks with my commitment to quit smoking cigarettes. I am happily back on track now but after having that experience it’s really made me think a lot about addiction in general.

Last night I was thinking about the list of Takeaways I made. Over the last few weeks one of the things that also struck me was the constant way I would berate myself after a slip up. Okay, no, it’s not good to smoke cigarettes. I’ve of course made lists and counted all the ways and reasons why. But at the end of the day, I smoked a few cigarettes and got back on track. If you went by the incessant chatter playing out in my mind, I single handedly bankrupted us, killed a few small children with second hand smoke (I never smoke around children), became responsible for global warming among other environmental ills and ruined my business in one fell swoop because a customer just HAD to HAVE SEEN ME and they were going to expose me for the horrible human being that I am. So there we go.

The negative self talk doesn’t help anything and negative consequences or feelings clearly have not been a source of motivation for me. If that were the case, I wouldn’t have spent so much time feeling very hungover and very guilty, repeating the awful cycle daily. So, in light of this, I’m going to focus on the fun stuff.

Candles As it turns out I am very responsive to anything aromatic. I have become slightly obsessed with candles and incense oils. I highly recommend it.
Herbal Tea I vow to finally go to the tea shop next week and get some loose tea and figure out how it’s done.
Running I never thought that I would think of exercising as a treat but lately it has been such a luxury to have the time to be able to go for a longer run.
Flowers I have always loved fresh flowers. Coincidentally, while many people have a green thumb, I have a black thumb. I worked with a local farm last week and they left me some very nice plants, I’m going to try to do something nice with them. Apologizes in advance to any floral arrangements I may inadvertently harm.
Magazines Marie Claire, Elle, Cosmo, you name it, there isn’t a magazine I don’t love to look at. I am going to get a subscription and make sure I set aside a little time to read them. In the age of Pintrest and search bars and on demand images, I still can’t get over how much I love to flip through magazines. I blame Seventeen.

I’d say that’s a pretty good start.

I also realized today that there are a few followers out there. Hi all! Thank you so much for following, you’ve made my day!

Day 379 – Takeaways

After revisiting my previous post about the big 3-6-5, riding the ups and down of business ownership and having more than a few slip ups with my smoking (still going strong on sobriety) I have decided that I really, really, really, really need a self care plan. Preferably one that doesn’t involve calories.

And this blog is part of it! I’ve also been trying to take time to read other blogs. I just started reading Mrs. D is Going Without and I’m loving it. I have to laugh sometimes at how well a stranger is putting my thoughts into their own words. She talks a lot about the emotional ups and downs she started facing once she stopped drinking. I really related to that.

Having the business has been the BIGGEST rollercoaster of my life, there are incredible highs and lows. One day I’m on TV after being contacted, totally randomly, by a producer on facebook and the business is being featured by the local news. (Not exactly going to fetch any Emmy’s but encouraging nonetheless) The next week I can’t make rent and I fight back tears and cringe as I take, yet more money, out of personal savings. I work 70+ hours a week and I have yet to take a paycheck. I like to joke that if I treated an employee the way I treat myself I would be in jail. Sad but true.

I am also incredibly grateful for the opportunity to start my own business. I recognize how fortunate I am that my husband is able to work at a job that we can get by without a second income for now. I also knew going into this that it’s not a lifestyle for the weak or faint of heart and that I’m playing a long term game. I’m still learning A LOT and there is a huge learning curve that I was not prepared for. While I choose this path instead of a secure job and recognize how fortunate I am for the opportunity, it doesn’t mean that I don’t feel every bit of the highs and lows. Actually, when I look back at some of my daily notes all together, it reads like a bipolar schizophrenic on a bad trip. Seriously. Look what you have to look forward to reading! And because I am not going home every night to numb out with alcohol, it’s pretty damn intense. Don’t get me wrong, I’m also not waking up every morning wondering how the hell I’m going to get through the day. A little fun fact – my anxiety is also under much better control since I stopped drinking. That one surprised me. A huge part of the reason I drank so much is because of my underlying anxiety. I was terrified to stop drinking because I thought that my anxiety would be completely out of control but it’s actually gotten a lot better. It’s still there but the hangovers made it so much worse.

So, in an effort to bring some desperately needed balance to my life, I am going to takeaway some lessons that I learned from my cigarette slip up(s) and create a real self care plan. (I feel so cheesy writing that but it’s a must) Creating a “sober tool kit” was actually a part of the online course I took to stop drinking but I failed to finish that part. Go figure – insert eyeroll here.

Cigarette Slip Up(s) Takeaways:

These can very easily be applied to alcohol so I think it’s worth noting here.

Moderation does not work for me. Nope. No sir. It’s not happening. It has also stopped me from any thoughts creeping in about moderating alcohol. Some people are moderating wonders. Clearly that is not me. I went from sneaking one or two cigarettes in the morning to almost back up to a full pack – in four days. I also have a crouton problem but that is for another day.
Decision fatigue is real. Decision fatigue is the constant internal chatter on whether or not you should do something. Should I procure fill-in-the-blank? Where should I get fill-in-the-blank? How am I going to pay for fill-in-the-blank? Maybe I shouldn’t. But I want to. But I don’t. It’s truly maddening. And exhausting. And stressful. While much easier said than done, in the long run, it is so much easier to just make a decision to say no and stick to it as best you can.
A bad day is just 24 hours. I found that saying a few blog posts back and I just keep going back to it. You may not feel great in 24 hours but you will feel differently on some level. (Even if it’s just feeling crappy about something else, it’s different. How’s that for motivation?!)
It feels good to achieve a goal. Although I am feeling the cheesiness creeping back in, you will ultimately be much happier with yourself (in the long run) if you stick to quitting something that is unhealthy for you. And you definitely feel better physically.
All I need is fill-in-the-blank. There is nothing further from the truth that “just one” of something, anything, especially if it’s bad for you, will make you feel better. One of my biggest disappointments over the last few weeks was that every cigarette I smoked just made me feel crappy. Emotionally and physically. At the end of the day, the thing that I thought I wanted most in the world, that I was so sure was going to make me feel better, was making me cranky and sick. I actually feel very sad about that. I realized that the only reason cigarettes had made me feel better in the first place was because I had a physical addiction. Once the physical addiction was gone, it really did nothing for me other than give me a headache and make me naseaus. That didn’t stop me from trying but it was a sad realization to make.

I don’t pretend to be an expert in anything but those are my takeaways.

Now to work on that care plan…

Day 374 – Soberversary

Well, I did it. Look at that. I hit the big 3-6-5, my first Soberversary, 9 days ago! Woo-Hoo! Leading up to it I was feeling a bit like it was no big deal. Actually, I was feeling really depressed because of the business situation but I digress. I was also a little disappointed that I wasn’t feeling more excited about it. I posted about it in a group and most people seemed to feel like that happens after awhile, it becomes a new normal, which makes sense. I didn’t think too much about it.

That morning I got the little alert on my phone that I hit 365 days. Ok, cool. Go me. And then I stopped for a minute and took a look around. The perpetual empty beer bottle on my nightstand has been replaced by a basal thermometer (to track my temperature for ovulation). My morning cigarette replaced by a morning run. Now when I get up in the morning, I look forward (mostly-haha) to the day and not back at the night before as a clue to gauge how crappy I would feel.

THIS is my new normal. And how absolutely wonderful.

I didn’t have any big plans or treat myself to anything special. But it did feel like a special day. Going forward I’m going to considerate it another birthday because that’s just how it felt. Your birthday doesn’t feel the same way when you turn 35 as it dit when you were 5 but the day is just a little bit more special. And next year, I’m asking for gifts.

Day 350 “2019 has a lot of catching up to do”

In about 2 weeks I will be celebrating my first soberversary. This year has had so many positive changes. I’ve been keeping notes everyday and I can’t wait to recap.

For other reasons though, I am seriously struggling. Today I had a really close call. I ended up leaving the store with a six pack of non-alcoholic beer so I’m calling that a win. I was hoping to have the blog all caught up but unfortunately I haven’t had the time. Running the business day to day and trying to play catch up everyday has been taking up all of my time and energy. It is also a major source of stress, anxiety, sleeplesss nights and no time off. It’s been a little over a year and I honestly don’t know how much longer I can go on like this without a relapse. It’s not the work I mind. I actually like working and I’ve been so grateful to have that to keep my focus. I’ve gotten caught up on all my 2018 financials and plainly put, it was soul crushing. I feel like such a complete and utter failure right now. I truly feel deflated.

2018 was wonderful for so many other reasons and I really wish that I could fully feel those wins. I quit drinking, I quit smoking (yes, I FINALLY did in December for anyone who has followed along) and I lost 5olbs. Hitting any one of these goals is a major accomplishment. If someone else told me that they had accomplished all 3, I would tell them to be sooo proud of themselves.

I just don’t feel that way right now. I can’t get past the fact that the business is losing money and it feels like there is nothing I can do. 2019 has a lot of catching up to do.

Apologies for the depressing post. As my new favorite saying goes, “A bad day only lasts 24 hours”. I took this picture at Target, so you never know when inspiration will strike. It makes me hopeful for Spring.

Day 264 – Gilda Radner and getting older

January 5th, 2019

Very happy that things seem to be holding their own at the store. Fingers crossed that this keeps up!

I watched a documentary about Gilda Radner today on CNN. I found it very interesting and I think I’m going to see about picking up her autobiography. There was a segment where she spoke about getting older. That seemed to be a common theme for her, the divide between childhood and womanhood. I’ve never really thought about age very much until recently, I’ve always been very independent. There was a sentence spoken in the documentary where she talks about feeling grown up and how she was starting to notice lines around her eyes and she was ok with that. That resonated with me. I can’t remember exactly what she said it was that made her feel “grown up” but at almost 40 years old I’m starting to feel like I’m not playing house.

I have also noticed the lines around my eyes, in particular in the mornings and later nights. On New Year’s Eve I asked L to take a picture of me after I finished my hair and makeup to send to my mom. I was a little taken aback when I looked at it. I certainly can’t say I look “old” but I look different. Especially after losing the weight, with my face being a lot thinner, I’m showing my age, just a bit. In the simple words of Gilda Radner, “And I’m OK with that”. I also looked happy.

For any of you younger folks out there who don’t know who Gilda Radner is, she was an original cast member of Saturday Night Live and an important female comedian. Look her up. I was very sad that many of Gilda’s Clubs have been renamed because people don’t know who she is anymore.

Day 163 – Tracking towards my future self

September 26th, 2018

I track a lot of things.

Every day since June I’ve tracked my temperature in preparation for when we are ready to start trying to conceive. My husband thinks I’m pessimistic but I feel that this way, if we have any trouble, there will be a record. He’s also not a worrier so he doesn’t always understand my “getting ahead of the problem” attitude. Ok yes, a lot of the “problems” I am getting ahead of don’t actually happen but it’s good to be prepared. I use Glow, if anyone knows of any others that are good, I’d be happy to hear about it!

Twice a week I track my weight. I purposely limit myself to 2x a week for this because emotionally I can’t handle any more than that but it does help me to stay on track. My body also hates me and I will mysteriously gain 2-3lbs in a week that I then have to loose as if it’s actual weight. No quick water weight dips for me! It really is a mystery too, I don’t cheat on my diet and I work out 6 days a week like clockwork. Ah well, I’m at a net loss so I’ll take the good with the bad. I use My Fitness Pal.

I have my “mini” workout that I do every morning, Monday through Friday, which consists of free weights, crunches, leg lifts and now, planks. If you want to see results, do planks. It’s hard and you’ve never realized how damn long 30 seconds is but it works. This is timed with the watch L got me for my birthday. Oh my goodness! I don’t think I mentioned that on my B-day post. Yes, he got me the Apple Watch to help track my running! It is AMAZING! If I wasn’t running I honestly don’t think it would be worth it for me but I do love it for the activity tracking. It is definitely not something that I would have gotten for myself. It also tells you how many calories you burn which I love. I do my 10 minute mini workout and then off to the gym I go or for a run. I try to hit 2 miles of something, at a minimum. That can be on the treadmill, the elliptical, there is another machine too that’s like an elliptical, but different, whatever it is I try to get to 2 miles. I really like to run outside but it gets hard in the morning with the traffic and of course weather permitting. I’ve come up with a few alternative routes to help with the traffic.

The watch also gives you daily goals based on your activity. I am really, really trying to ignore it. I do worry that I will become slightly obsessed with hitting all of my goals, or closing my rings, each day.

I also try to meticulously plan out my days so that I can fit the most in. We are not even very busy yet, unfortunately, but as a business owner there is so much to do. I only have very part time staff to keep payroll low and man, it becomes a challenge. Once again, I do not want to complain about the opportunity but it can be very overwhelming. Especially when you realize that there are no sick days, no mental health days, no calling out. I’m really, really hoping to be able to take some time for myself on a more regular basis soon, but for now, the books just don’t justify it. I use my Notes app constantly to try to add in items for each day with deadlines.

And yes, you guessed it, I also have an app that tracks my days of sobriety or AF (alcohol free). I was on the fence about counting days at first but decided at some point that there was no reason not to. It also became a source of inspiration for this blog so there’s that.

Maybe it’s just me but I’ve discovered that being fit, tracking my hormonal cycle, keeping my daily tasks organized, staying sober and accounting for the days can really make me feel like I have some sort of OCD. Now, not to make light of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), most of my family members have been diagnosed with OCD and I wonder about myself at times, but all of this tracking does kind of drive me a little insane. I also have a good amount of anxiety.

The structure helps bind anxiety, or so I am told. I sometimes think that all of this tracking does help by giving me some sort of real data to collect and document. Something tangible that I can see, punching in real numbers and something that I can look back on, with results. Tangible evidence keyed into my phone, a sign that everything I am working towards will mean something, or at least I hope it will.

Thinking about it a bit more, I suppose this blogs serves that purpose also. Taking all of the little moments of the day, recording the memorable ones and being able to look back over it all down the road one day. I do wonder what my future self will say and what lies ahead.

Day 161 – Soberversary

September 24th, 2018

After reminiscing about my wedding anniversary yesterday, I realized that this month is also another important anniversary for me. This month makes my 6 month soberversary. It’s kind of funny because I will get the occasion pull or sad feeling about no longer drinking alcohol but it is just that, occasional and fleeting. As I am getting further away from that life and the days are adding up, drinking is just not something that I’m terribly missing in my life. When I started the course I told myself I would try to commit to the 6 weeks and see how it goes. After getting through the six weeks rather easily, or much more easily than I expected to, I said, ok, let’s get to Day 100. Katie Bee, the designer of the course encourages everyone to, “take sobriety for a proper test drive” at 100 days. And so I did. I think that is one of reasons why I started writing at 150 days, I felt like I needed another little challenge, a fun one.

Sitting here at Day 161, I am taking a moment to reflect on what has happened over the last six months. I don’t take a lot of time to pause and I will often run from one “goal” to the next, not that I am always successful, but if you don’t step back and look at your accomplishments, it can feel a bit like running a marathon on a treadmill. Sure, you’ve gone the distance but you haven’t taken anything in along the way.

Without further ado, here is some of what has changed over the past six months: I stopped drinking alcohol. I started running and ran my first official 5k with a group of ladies I meet at 7am, every Sunday morning, to run with. (We are also running another 5K coming up very soon and the group has agreed to wear t-shirts in support of my business, which I very much appreciate and their support feels so very kind to me.) I’ve lost 37 lbs. I’ve started thinking much more seriously (although still apprehensively) about motherhood. I’ve started thinking much more seriously (although still apprehensively) about quitting smoking cigarettes. I’m feeling more confident, although still unsure of what everything is leading up to. I’m learning more about myself. I’m trying to be kinder to myself. I’m happier. My anxiety is down to all time lows (for me) completely naturally. I’ve saved over $2500.00. I’ve met people I wouldn’t have otherwise met and crushed new goals. I have a long way to go on this journey, and it will keep changing.

When I first started the course, the idea of never having another drink again was absolutely terrifying. The day before I began the course I had a major panic attack. It took me over a week to get with the program and go completely alcohol free with my course mates. One of the things I could have never predicted when I began this journey is that after 161 days, I simply do not have a place for alcohol in my life right now. I have taken the time and energy that I would’ve otherwise spent on planning, drinking and recovering and introduced new interests and goals. I don’t know what will happen in the future, but at the moment, I am looking forward to continuing this journey and hoping to learn all that I can and take advantage of every moment and spending more time doing what I truly love to do.

intheendsomeofyourgreatestpains

Day 160 – I don’t hate Mondays

September 23rd, 2018

So happy today is Sunday! It’s odd having Mondays off as your only day off. While most of the world is crying on Monday morning I’m relieved that I have a little break. I mostly end up running around trying to do as many errands for the week as humanly possible but hey, it’s a change of scenery. I hate to feel like I am complaining about the store and my crazy hours because I am so, so, so grateful for the opportunity but it does get a little bit much sometimes. There are weeks where I spend 11+ hours a day here, go food shopping on Saturday nights with the hubby, (it’s really a date night), go to the gym and just keep doing it all over again. If you have seen the movie Groundhog Day, that about sums it up. Haven’t thought about it like that exactly before, maybe I’m doing something wrong every day.

I am also really looking forward to Columbus Day weekend which our anniversary falls on. I love thinking about our wedding and the months that lead up to it. Some people get stressed and hate wedding planning but we genuinely had fun. I was feeling great. I was still drinking but it was extremely curbed due to a new job and well, wedding planning! I had gotten a promotion shortly after I was hired, I lost over 60 lbs, the man I loved wanted to marry me, life was good! Everything is better with L, he truly is my best friend. We love to spend time together and I am so thankful that we met. His patience is seemingly endless and he believes in me in such a way that sometimes I am convinced he is a crazy man. This year will be our 7th anniversary and I am looking forward to many, many, many more.

weddingdressincloset